Light pink candle - The Joy Candle
Gentle Parenting…for the Baby Boomers and Gen X’ers among us, I can sense your eyerolls and deep sighs. So many of our adult children, those darling Millennials and Gen Z’s, are adopting this latest trend in parenting as they raise their own little ones. Why do my fellow grandparents tend to roll our eyes when our grands throw themselves on the floor, kicking and screaming their heads off and their parents calmly say, “It sounds like you’ve got some big feelings today.”? There are several reasons, but the biggest in my opinion is that this approach appears to require too much time, it hinders accomplishing much during the day and requires that the parent actually be responsible for his/her own emotions and responses. Many in my generation of parents were unaware of the complexity of their own emotions, much less their children’s.
Gentle parenting focuses on building a secure emotional attachment with your child by validating his emotions and establishing clear, consistent boundaries and logical consequences. Contrasted with more authoritarian approaches, Gentle Parenting rejects punishment and shaming; instead emphasizing the importance of your own emotional self-regulation as the adult parent. Open communication is prioritized, as well as guiding kids to understand and manage their feelings and behaviors through patience and empathy. This approach would have never been tolerated by our parents when we were little. While we were given quite a bit of freedom, allowed to play outside with the neighbor kids until the street lights came on in the evenings, we knew that if our mom called our name and we were out of earshot, we were in trouble! I can’t even imagine what would have happened to us if we had pitched a fit like that when we were young.
The fact is, parenting trends swing back and forth like a pendulum. Authoritarian parenting prioritizes results, appearances and compliance. Helicopter Parenting was the result of a generation who was left to raise themselves and felt that they didn’t truly live up to their potential and would not allow that to happen to their children. But these trends are not unique to western civilization or the United States. History displays the swinging pendulum of parenting styles and we see this up close and personal in today’s readings of three kings in Jesus’ line - Ahaz, Hezekiah and Manasseh. How do we know how these royal princes were raised? Let’s observe how they led God’s people, entrusted to their care.
Read 2 Kings 16:1-4; 18:1-8; 21:1-16
The books of the kings of Israel and Judah tell a tale much like a rollercoaster. There are a few slow climbs to the heights, only to plummet down into the depths of wickedness and everything in between. If we took the time to read all of 1 and 2 Kings, we would discover that there was never a godly king on the throne in Israel. They become progressively worse over the centuries. The kings who sat on the throne in Jerusalem following King Solomon’s reign and the kingdom split seemed to fluctuate in their desire and ability to “do what was right in the sight of the Lord his God.” (And just a quick note for clarity, 1 and 2 Kings record the kingships of Israel and Judah chronologically, which is why you will read, for example, of who was king in Israel, Pekah son of Remaliah, when Ahaz son of Jotham became king of Judah.)
Uzziah’s son, Jotham, was a relatively good king, meaning he didn’t promote or engage in idol worship. Nevertheless, he is described as being like his father rather than like King David, (the man after God’s own heart) as he failed to centralize worship of the Lord in Jerusalem, allowing people to continue worshiping at the high places. Jotham slides through his rule with a B-minus grade - not excellent, but above average. Jotham’s son, Ahaz, follows Jotham and there is something interesting about Ahaz’ introduction. Neither the writers of the books of the kings nor their chronicles include the name of Ahaz’ mother, while the mothers of most other kings, especially those who came to power young, are cited. For obvious reasons, but especially in ancient times, children were nurtured and cared for by their mothers. Perhaps she died while giving birth to Ahaz? We can’t know for certain, but we can conclude that Ahaz did not have that important connection with his mother growing up.
And right here in the story we can see the parenting pendulum begin to shift, as Ahaz marries an Israelite princess named Abijah, or Abi for short. Abi was the daughter of King Zechariah of Israel. Zechariah (not the Old Testament prophet or John the Baptist’s father, who shared his name) was the typical wicked king over Israel but may have had the shortest reign, only six months. A conspiracy and power grab resulted in his assassination. Abi would have been raised adjacent to the palace so she was keenly aware of the politics and uncertainty of royalty, but the best clue to how she would raise her future children was her name, Abijah, which in Hebrew means “My Father is Yahweh.” This one, whose father is Jehovah, marries King Ahaz.
Ahaz was one of the most wicked kings in all of Israelite history, second only to his grandson, Mannaseh. “He even sacrificed his son in the fire, imitating the detestable practices of the nations the Lord had dispossessed before the Israelites. He sacrificed and burned incense on the high places, on the hills, and under every green tree.” (2 Kings 16:3-4) Was the son that he sacrificed to Molech Abijah’s? We don’t know for certain, but can you even imagine the overwhelming grief, anger and depression that would engulf you if your husband sacrificed your child to appease the gods? I feel like we need to sit with this for a minute longer and let this likelihood sink in…
…If the child that Ahaz sacrificed was Abi’s, we know that she had at least one more son named Hezekiah who assumed the throne after his wicked father died. Once again, get ready for the parenting pendulum to have swung while we were distracted by King Ahaz and his crazy antics. As soon as he was crowned king, Hezekiah began to clean up the land and the temple. He tore down the high places and the altars to false gods. He even “broke into pieces the bronze snake that Moses made, for until then the Israelites were burning incense to it.” (2 Kings 18:4) This righteousness that Hezekiah exhibits as the new king didn’t just come over him all at once. He was trained in it by a mother who lived out her name, “My Father is Yahweh.” Abi had to have been the one to teach Hezekiah in the ways of his ancestor, David. Otherwise, how would he have known? Abijah must have been a remarkable woman, having grown up surrounded by evil and chaos, then marrying into more, yet she raised a son to know and depend on the Lord God for life and godliness.
“Hezekiah relied on the Lord God of Israel; not one of the kings of Judah was like him, either before him or after him. He remained faithful to the Lord and did not turn from following him but kept the commands the Lord had commanded Moses. The Lord was with him, and wherever he went he prospered.” (2 Kings 18:5-7)
And here we come to our last parenting pendulum swing for today, or is it? Hezekiah married Hephzibah and their son, Manasseh, ascended to the throne when he was only 12-years-old. In Hebrew, Hephzibah’s name means, “My Delight is in Her.” The only other time that name is used in the Scriptures is when the prophet Isaiah is describing God restoring His people to Himself. In this prophecy, God speaks to his nation. Although they will go into captivity and be at the mercy of many nations, He will not forsake them forever.
“You will no longer be called Deserted, and your land will not be called Desolate; instead, you will be called My Delight Is in Her, [Hephzibah] and your land Married; [Beulah] for the Lord delights in you, and your land will be married.” (Is 62:4)
King Manasseh did not follow in his father’s footsteps. He led Israel into deeper depths of sin, causing their hearts to slowly become hardened to the Lord. If they were familiar with the warnings many prophets had given, they had to know that Manasseh had begun the sealing of their fate. Soon, they would experience great desolation at an enemy’s hands. But Hephzibah’s name reminded them that the Lord would remember them. Eventually, the Lord would bring them back to Jerusalem and they would rebuild. He would again delight himself in the city walls.
If we apply the same logic of the parenting pendulum swinging to Hephzibah’s role as Queen Mother during Manasseh’s early reign, we must conclude that she blew it. It was that permissive parenting that resulted in Manasseh going off the deep end, right? Today we often blame parents when children go wayward. But the truth is that parents can lead a child where they should go and the children will still go their own way, especially when you are a young, inexperienced king with power that you aren’t equipped to handle. We don’t know enough about Hephzibah to say she intentionally corrupted Manasseh. Perhaps she did quite the opposite. At some point in their lives, a child’s faith becomes their own and they decide whether to pursue the path of righteousness or fall away.
What is the conclusion that we should come to as far as these kings’ training and those parents in our churches and families? We are to train up our children to love, honor and trust in the Lord with all of their hearts, souls and minds. Our influence greatly impacts them, and God is sovereign. His thoughts and plans are so much higher than ours. So we nurture our kids while they are in our care, and trust the Lord to do what only He can do - give them new fleshy hearts and faith to obey Him.
Sing Joyful, Joyful, We Adore Thee (See page 61 for lyrics)
Reflect
Remember that this spiritual pendulum swings slowly but surely. Is the pendulum you are currently riding swinging towards God or away from Him?
As a parent of adult children, having children of their own, my role in their lives has drastically shifted. I am called to come alongside them as their sister in Christ, encouraging them towards love and good deeds, supporting them as they wade through the deep and oftentimes murky waters of parenthood. It is not my role to judge, criticize or roll my eyes at my adult kids’ parenting philosophy, but to ask how I can support them. How about you? Are you more likely to sit in judgment of others’ choices? To overcome your confusion by simply dismissing a different approach?
Pray for each of your children, if you have children, today. Pray that they would know God the Father, Christ the Son and the Holy Spirit in a deep and personal way and that secure bond would be displayed in their relationships - with you, their own families, their colleagues and peers.
