Day 30
Have you ever heard of Attachment Theory? While a secular psychological theory, I find Attachment Styles Theory to be an incredibly helpful tool in helping many of my clients understand better why they react to their closest friends and family the way they do. While in seminary, I was trained in reinterpreting secular theories through the lens of the gospel found throughout Scripture and have discovered in my work origins and whispers of Attachment Theory throughout the Redemptive narrative, going back as far as the Garden of Eden. Perhaps a quick summary of Attachment Theory would be helpful before moving on.
Attachment, or the attachment bond, is the emotional connection formed as an infant and toddler with one’s primary caregiver - usually one or both parents, but can also include grandparents and even older siblings. According to Attachment Theory, pioneered by British psychiatrist John Bowlby and broadened by American psychologist Mary Ainsworth, the quality of the bonding one experiences during this first relationship often determines the degree to which one relates to other people and responds to intimacy throughout life. Ainsworth and her colleagues created the famous “Strange Situation” study in 1969. In this study, infants between the age of 9 and 18 months were observed throughout a series of 8 episodes lasting approximately 3 minutes each, whereby a mother, child, and adult stranger are introduced, separated, and reunited. This experiment has been replicated multiple times over the course of the past 50 years, enabling researchers to agree on four basic styles of attachment - one secure and three insecure - and these attachment styles are solidified in a child’s nervous system by age 24-months.
Secure attachment is fostered in environments in which there is a premium placed on empathy, attunement, mindfulness and the proper setting of limits. Therefore, if your primary caregiver made you feel safe and understood as an infant, if they were able to respond to your cries and accurately interpret your changing physical and emotional needs, then you likely developed a successful, secure attachment. As an adult, that usually translates to being self-confident, trusting, and hopeful, with an ability to healthily manage conflict, respond to intimacy, and navigate the ups and downs of intimate relationships. It also enables you to more easily trust in your Father God’s good plans and purposes for you. You have less trouble believing that God exists, that He is for you, and has made a way for you to be adopted into His family through the perfect life, sacrificial death and resurrection of Jesus Christ.
However, if you experienced confusing, frightening, or inconsistent emotional communication during infancy and early childhood; if your caregiver was unable to consistently comfort you or respond to your needs, you are more likely to have experienced an unsuccessful or insecure attachment. Infants and toddlers with insecure attachment often grow into adults who have difficulty understanding their own emotions and the feelings of others, limiting their ability to build or maintain stable relationships. You may find it difficult to connect to others, shy away from intimacy, or be too clingy, fearful, or anxious in a relationship. And not only are those horizontal relationships negatively affected, but relationship with God can be impacted as well. The fear that God will not take care of you is deeply entrenched in your neural pathways, causing you to doubt His goodness and provision. Much like Adam and Eve when they sinned by eating the fruit from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil, you respond to God by covering up, hiding, and blame shifting. (from Genesis 3)1
In today’s reading, I want us to pay attention to the often overlooked clues to the attachment styles John, Judas Isacariot and Simon Peter had, and how their secure or insecure connections directly impact their relationship and reactions to Jesus.
Read John 13:21-38
Judas Iscariot - Avoidant Dismissive Attachment
Having just washed all of His disciples’ feet, then shared the prophecy of David’s Psalm 41, “Even my friend in whom I trusted, one who ate my bread, has raised his heel against me,” (Ps 41:9) Jesus was troubled in His spirit. He identifies with the profound betrayal David experienced by a trusted companion. This was a close friend - one who shared meals - who had turned against him with malice; returning kindness with a surprise kick in the teeth. The disciples as a group were uncertain of whom Jesus spoke. Judas’s outward behavior conformed so nearly to that of the other disciples, they did not immediately assume that Jesus was talking about him. As a matter of fact, because of Judas’ position at the Passover seder - he was seated to Jesus’ left - the others would have most likely concluded that Judas was honored above the others.
We know that Judas Isacariot was smart and good with money, having been given the responsibility of overseeing the ministry‘s finances. While he occasionally is recorded as making his judgemental thoughts known, (for example, when he criticized Mary for pouring her expensive perfume over Jesus’ feet) Judas was more likely to avoid intimate and vulnerable conversations with Jesus and his fellow disciples. This leads me to wonder whether Judas had an Avoidant Dismissive Attachment Style. These adults tend to be so wary of closeness, they try to avoid emotional connection with others. They would rather not rely on others, or have others rely on them. Often people who have “control issues” can trace these origins to this attachment style. Judas certainly was scrambling for control over the Messiah-situation. Jesus was not handling the ministry details as Judas felt he should, leading him to question Jesus and even entertain betraying him to the authorities.
So that evening, as Jesus is leading the Passover seder, He mentions that one of His dearest companions will betray Him. When asked who it might be, “Jesus replied, ‘He’s the one I give the piece of bread to after I have dipped it.’ When he had dipped the bread, he gave it to Judas, Simon Iscariot’s son. After Judas ate the piece of bread, Satan entered him. So Jesus told him, ‘What you’re doing, do quickly.’” (vv 26-27)
Simon Peter - Anxious Preoccupied Attachment
Simon had early on been set apart as the leader of the discipleship group by Jesus, given a new name, Peter meaning “rock” and at least in the Synoptics is portrayed as impulsive, blurting out whatever he is thinking or feeling without calmly considering the consequences of his words. In this vignette, Peter is not sitting in the seat of honor, on either side of Jesus. In fact, he has to strain to hear what Jesus said about someone betraying Him and whispers to John to ask Jesus to identify the betrayer. A person with an Anxious Preoccupied Attachment Style finds it difficult to observe boundaries in relationships, viewing space as a threat, provoking panic, anger or fear that your friend, parent or spouse no longer wants you. There is a tendency to overreact to any perceived threats to the relationship and you need constant reassurance and attention from your loved one, that everything between you is okay.
When Jesus tells the guys that He is going somewhere they cannot follow, Peter doesn’t hear another word Jesus says about loving one another as He has loved them. He needs to know where Jesus is going. Jesus answers, “Where I am going you cannot follow me now, but you will follow later.” (v 36) Peter instinctively believes that he is being singled out, that he alone will not be allowed to follow Jesus. He asks, “Why can’t I follow you now? I will lay down my life for you.” (v 37) I can hear the anxious preoccupation, the desperate need to feel secure in this most important relationship, in Peter’s response, “Please Jesus! Don’t leave! Take me with you! I’ll do anything, just please let me come!”
“Jesus replied, ‘Will you lay down your life for me? Truly I tell you, a rooster will not crow until you have denied me three times.’” (v 38) In His kindness, Jesus provides a future grounding technique for Peter when he panics uncontrollably in the high priest’s courtyard and denies even knowing Jesus three times. Hearing the rooster’s crows will serve to bring Peter back to the present, helping to reset him and focus on what is true. Jesus predicted Peter’s adamant refusal of even knowing Him, yet loved him still. Later, post-resurrection, Jesus will engage with Peter’s anxious attachment three times, reminding him of His love for Peter and the role in the church he would play.
John - Secure Attachment
Then there is John, the younger son of Zebedee, and most likely the youngest of the Twelve. John never refers to himself by name in his gospel writing, but rather “the one Jesus loved.” Today’s reading is where we are first introduced to John’s Secure Attachment Style. Empathetic and able to set appropriate boundaries, people with secure attachment tend to feel safe, stable, and more satisfied in their close relationships. While they don’t fear being on their own, they usually thrive in close, meaningful relationships. Having a secure attachment style didn’t mean that John was perfect or that he didn’t experience relationship problems. He was, of course nicknamed by Jesus a “Son of Thunder” along with his brother and fellow disciple, James. But John was obviously comfortable expressing his feelings, hopes, and needs. And when faced with disappointment or confusion in what Jesus said or did, he trusted in the security and safety of Jesus’ love for him, creating resiliency in the relationship.
At the Passover Seder, John is seated on Jesus’ right side, practically reclining on Him, demonstrating an intimacy and trust that could only be the result of secure attachment. Therefore, John was the obvious choice to ask Jesus a private question, “Lord, who is it?” (v 25) Who is the one who will betray Him? Jesus answers in a clear way that simultaneously does not call out and publicly shame Judas, “He’s the one I give the piece of bread to after I have dipped it.” (v 26)
Next Jesus lovingly tells Judas to do what he is going to do. Again, Jesus doesn’t call him out or berate him in front of his peers. After Judas leaves, Jesus encourages the rest of His disciples to love one another in the same way He has loved them. Love would be the distinguishing mark of Jesus’ disciples, but not simply obeying the mosaic commands to love the Lord with all one’s powers and to love one’s neighbor as oneself. No, Jesus’ “new command” would deepen and transform these commands, including love for one’s enemies. The command to love was not new; but newness was found in loving one another as Jesus had loved them, being willing to lay down their lives for one another, as Jesus’ subsequent death would perfectly model. John’s Secure Attachment Style made it easier for him to believe and receive with assurance that Jesus loved him fully, trusting that whatever Jesus asked him to do, He would provide the resources and strength to do it.
Big Picture Questions for Today:
When you consider your attachment to Jesus, is it easy or difficult for you to believe that you are the one Jesus loves?
Pray Psalm 62 today, starting in verse 5:
“Rest in God alone, my soul,
for my hope comes from him.
He alone is my rock and my salvation,
my stronghold; I will not be shaken.
My salvation and glory depend on God, my strong rock.
My refuge is in God.
Trust in him at all times, you people;
pour out your hearts before him.
God is our refuge.”
Gay Brown, “Attachment Theory, Filtered Through the Lens of Scripture.”
