It’s been far too quiet in the back of the house, where your toddler is supposed to be playing. You were just going to quickly clean up the kitchen after lunch, then join her for stories and lay her down for her afternoon nap. You hesitantly move down the hallway, hoping you will walk into her room and see your darling daughter engrossed in “reading” her boardbooks to herself, but instead you walk up on this:
Is it childishness or rebellion? How are you to respond to your daughter’s “rolling of the bathroom?” Perhaps it would help to identify the differences between childishness, rebellion and childlikeness.
Childishness is a normal part of a child’s life and development, when they are asking questions, trying new things and making connections. This is how we all come into the world and it is appropriate to behave and think this way.
Childish Characteristics include curiosity, using all of their senses to engage with the world around them. Children are always learning, through experimentation and play; they are easily excited and trusting, developing attachment with primary caregivers, either securely or insecurely. Young children are dependent on others for their survival, inquisitive, and emotional, displaying the full array of emotions God created them with.
Children are also egocentric - they are the center of the world! They lack spatial awareness and are often unaware of their physical limitations
Rebellion is a heart problem, originating in the Garden of Eden, when a child of any age willfully does what they have been told not to do. Sometimes this looks blatant - pitching a fit in public - and sometimes it is more subtle, deceptive and manipulative.
Rebellious Characteristics include a “Me first!” attitude. Ruled by sinful passions, rebels give full expression of whatever emotion is manifesting in their bodies. They often refuse to remain in their primary emotions, covering them with expressions of anger and defensiveness. Rebels often lie, deceiving others and self. They refuse help, from parents and God, unwilling to submit to the authority God has placed over them. The root of rebellion is doubt, distrust and hatred of authority.
Childlikeness reflects a deep, enduring security in one’s relationship with authority - parents and God - and fosters confidence and courage to explore, play and create. Childlikeness is how Jesus describes the faith necessary to enter the kingdom of God:
“He said to them, ‘Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. 15 Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.’ 16 And he took the children in his arms, placed his hands on them and blessed them.”
Mark 10:14-16 ESV
Childlike Characteristics include living in the present, more easily trusting authorities, especially parents and God. Childlikeness limits concerns about money, productivity or being cool, but places NO limits on one’s imagination. Able to lose themselves in play, childlike people create with abandon. They are endlessly curious, while wanting their parents or other authority to see them and be proud of them.
Why is it important to know the difference between childishness, rebellion and childlikeness? So that we nurture and encourage the traits in our children that will move them towards a dependence on their Father God and away from self-sufficiency.
It is tricky though, because many childlike characteristics are so similar to childishness.
The question to ask is, “What is motivating this behavior or reaction?” The Bible, and specifically Solomon’s book of Proverbs, divides heart-motivated behaviors into two neat categories: Wisdom and Foolishness, the wise one or the fool. We’ll dig deeper into those categories on Friday!
Childishness + Rebellion = Foolishness
Childishness + Discipline = Childlikeness and Wisdom
Prov. 1:7 “fools despise wisdom and instruction”
Ps. 14:1 “The fool says in his heart, “There is no God.” They are corrupt, they do abominable deeds;”
Prov. 29:11 “A fool gives full vent to his spirit, but a wise man quietly holds it back.”
Prov. 28:26 “Whoever trusts in his own mind is a fool, but he who walks in wisdom will be delivered.”
How do we parent in a way that cultivates wisdom as well as a spirit of childlikeness in our children?
Through God’s wisdom, discern whether our child is exhibiting childish or rebellious behaviors.
Childishness - the unintentional and non-malicious mistakes made in life. With children, it is often the result of a lack of knowledge or lack of understanding. Your son or daughter does something wrong, but he/she didn’t know it was wrong. There was no intent to do wrong. Childishness can also be attributed to age and the lack of physical coordination. A four-year-old drips orange juice on the floor, because the glass was too full to carefully manage, or drops a plate while trying to help load the dishwasher.
Rebelliousness - a child knowingly and intentionally chooses to act in defiance without regard to consequence or injury to self or others. The child knows that he is doing wrong, and continues anyway. This is referred to in scripture as, “Foolishness.”
Appropriately, not harshly or in anger, discipline - TRAIN! STEWARD! Childish behaviors, while nurturing the childlike qualities we see in our children.
Recognize the difference between childishness and rebelliousness
Do not treat all wrongs the same way. That is neither fair to the child nor a wise way to parent. While wrongful acts of childishness and rebellion need correction, what separates the two realms is motive and intent. There is a difference between childish mistakes and purposeful disobedience.
Childishness or Rebelliousness?
Spilling a glass of water is childishness. Intentionally spilling a glass of water on a sibling is rebellious.
Accidentally hurting a sibling while playing is childishness; intentionally striking a sibling for winning the game is rebellious.
There is a big difference between the child who accidentally dents the neighbor’s car, and the child who intentionally vandalizes it.
When assessing behaviors in need of correction, parents should ask themselves, “Was my child’s wrongful action born out of childishness or rebelliousness? What was the chief motivation?”
Manipulation or Honor?
Underneath all of our thoughts, words and behaviors, influencing and shaping all of our relationships, is our chief motivation. Winston Smith, author of Marriage Matters, proposes that our motivations separate into two fundamental attitudes - either honor or manipulation. It is this very motivation that determines how we view those around us, either as a person made in God’s image and therefore worthy of honor, or as an object whose purpose is to meet our needs.
We must ask God to reveal any rebelliousness in ourselves, manipulative motivation, and cooperate with the Spirit to uproot it, nurturing once again a childlike faith.
(note: much of what I’ve shared in this section is adapted from an article from Well Watered Women, “Growing Childlike Faith,” by Linda Green, Nov. 30, 2023, www.wellwateredwomen.com/growing-childlike-faith/)
Blessings,
Gay B Brown